Thursday, February 09, 2006


I called HR this morning to see if it was still illegal to kill a coworker if the thought of listening to their voice for one more second might cause me to jam pencils into my ear drums and deep in into my brain.

I was disappointed by the answer.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Nipsey Russell Is no more

Found out he's a comedian ........ I thought Nipsey Russell was the sound created by walking through a pile of dry Nipsys

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Ahh ...... Mating Season at NASA.

In a new attempt to make a shuttle that will repel a styrofoam attack. NASA has been trying to mate the aging shuttles with more reliable aircraft. .....
For some reason they also tried to mate it with that poor Panda at the San Diego Zoo too. .... but let's not not talk about that.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

O.K. I'm not the sharpest utensil in the drawer ... but wouldn't a piece of canvas be more effective?

Friday, August 19, 2005

Nice Blog ...... Keep it up ...... Oh and here is a link to where I sell my Combination Turnip Twaddler & Pocket Diaper Steamer!

GET BENT you spam posting FUCKS.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

So ... THIS gal walks into a bar ....

and the bartender say "WOW how did that happen??!!" The octopus replies, "Well ..... it started out as a pimple on my BUTT.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Yes .. umm .. I'd like to inquire about a refund??

Thursday, August 11, 2005

So ...... I’m guessing it his wife’s birthday too!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Things from an insomniacs mind

  • I heard someone at work mention that there is a new book about Helen Keller coming out ... and I thought .... Wow! She was gay too!?!

  • People all upset about saving the whales, not buying perfume with blubber as an ingredient .... Eating Vegetarian, rather than a meal made from a large animal with big brown trusting eyes named Bessie etc. But NO ONE is concerned about BABY OIL!!!!

  • Men always get the last words ...... It’s just that those words are “Yes Dear”.

  • A women I know tells everyone at work that it’s “Not her job to tattle on everyone” .... I thought about that one, and she’s right. It’s more of a hobby for her.

  • I stood to the right of my wife during our wedding ceremony. It was the last time I was ever right.

Monday, August 08, 2005

What's That, my little bran muffin????

Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse -- women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's, a report said.
The Daily Mail, quoting findings published in the specialist magazine
NeuroImage, said researchers at Sheffield university in northern England discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and female sounds.
Men deciphered female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engaged a simpler mechanism, it said.

So you see sweetheart this proves it. Your voice is like music to me. I nod my head .... tap my feet ... but that does not mean I heard you! You KNOW how bad I am with lyrics!!

Hmm, I wonder if us guys are just supposed to send the check to Sheffield university or what???

Sunday, August 07, 2005

SUV's & Needle Heads...

Every day I have to turn left a a street that has railroad tracks that cross at it's threshold. Everyday there is someone in front of me in a monster SUV that has to come to a near stop to cross over these tracks ..... bump bump .......bump bump..... Same thing a block later when they pull into a store drive way ..... OOOOHHHH better slow down, that's a 3/4" lip on that driveway!!!
What did you buy that gargantuan urban assault vehicle for if you can't even take a small God Damn bump!!
There ought to be a bounty!!!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Sucks To Be Fred.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Robert Blake and O.J. to hit the Links?

Ok I read today that Robert Blake’s first wife, Sondra Kerr Blake said under oath that Blake had put out a contract on her life as well!!! She said she found out from several different people about this!!

So first he is found not guilty ..... using the story ... well yeah somehow she was shot while I ran back to the restaurant to go get my ..... well ....
GUN!. Oh and all those people that said I was trying to hire a killer were, well mistaken ... yeah thats the ticket!
I guess now he can hit the golf courses with O.J. to look for the REAL killer.
Bite Me!!
If I ever decide to go on a crime spree I’ll do it in California where I can’t get convicted. At least in NY Martha has to wear a bracelet to go to yoga class!
By the way Ladies of California ....... try to keep low.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

My Mother always said if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. In her honor here is today’s Post ...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Loofah Butt Cream and 5 Reasons My Wife Makes Me Sign A Behavior Contract Before Shopping

  • Went to the mall and as usual a group of morons stopped right at the top of the escalator to decide where they were going to go next. SO.... I spout ........ Hey GREAT IDEA!!!! BRILLIANT!!! If I was going to pick one place in the whole damn mall to stop and chat it would be right HERE! at the top of a FUCKING MOVING STAIRCASE!!!!

  • Soon after that I'll yowl MAKE A HOLE!!! at large dumb groups meandering around the mall blocking the aisle

  • After being told by a OH SO politicly correct security guard not to "LEAN on the ice rink wall" I thanked him for saving the world from another tragic ice rink wall leaning incident and then asked him to go copulate with one of his own orifices.

    While she's shopping for clothes a clerk will ask If they can help me and I always respond " You got a bar in here"??
    (When they say no I ask for chloroform)

  • At Bath & Body Works I always loudly ask if they have any "Apricot Loofah Butt Cream".

Monday, August 01, 2005

My Highlight today is my Get Fuzzy Calender!?!

How pathetic is that. The best thing I can come up with to look forward to today is flipping the " Get Fuzzy " calendar over to August. I'm a sad little man.


Call in sick with one of the following excuses.

* My festering herpes have come back in an unusual and unfortunate spot.

* I FOUND JESUS ........ and he needs a ride somewhere.

* Projectile Diarrhea

* Ear ache in my eye!

* The little voices in my head said I don't have enough ammo to go to work yet.

* I dreamt I ate a whole crate of marshmallows last night and this morning my "sock drawer" is empty

Sunday, July 31, 2005

To the women @ Starbucks reading my computer screen over my sholder ...... This is why I gave you my Blog Address...


Flat Beer and Cheetos

O.K. after thinking about it the Oregon Brewers Festival post was not funny. It was more of a bitch session. Sorry. That's what happens to me when I spend a day drinking flat beer.

There was allot of funny shit to see however.

I saw a fat GUY in a tube top.

I saw an obnoxious S.O.B. smoking a cigar that smelled like a burning goat touch the cherry of the cigar to his new expensive Razor cell phone screen and ruin it :)

I saw another guy that had to be 80, get turned away from buying beer because his drivers license was expired.

Watched a couple try to smuggle a costco size bag bag of Cheetos into the park. ( Seriously ....... what kind of asshole loves Cheetos so much he needs to smuggle a bag that big in ???? He looked like Igor in Young Frankenstein. .... By the way .... outside food was allowed which made it fu*king hilarious.

Some People You Should Go See ... go on ..... waddya looking at my crap for?!?

notate bene
(Nice person with a much better outlook than I)

Can YOu Hear Me Now?
( I Need a translator ....... and don't ask about the whole tape worm thing)

Tree Frog

Jazz In Strange Places
Just Read :)

Woman Thou Art Loosed
Clearly Insane

AP's Log
MAY be insane.

Sweet Rigs
You have to see it to get it :)

Oregon Brewers Festival, You Sons A Bitches!!!!

This years Oregon Brewers Festival was a complete mess.
The whole Idea of the damn festival is to try different beers from Oregon and beyond. In the past you could by a 4 oz taster for a buck OR a full 10 oz mug for 4 bucks.
SO .... in the past I've headed down to the waterfront with my father........ we buy the required plastic tasting mug ( 2 each so we can go stand in two different lines, get two tasters sit at the table and compare the beers).

This year some brain surgeon has decided you can either buy one 10 oz mug or one 4 oz taster ..... but not two tasters!!!!!
So it's o.k. to power down 10 oz at a time but not o.k. to sip 8 oz !!!???!!!

On top of THAT they brought out these little 4 oz plastic cups (like a restaurant would use for salad dressing to go) and fill it from a pitcher then pour the nice foamy/flat/warm beer into your shitty little tasting mug!!!! The beer has now been transfered into 3 different vessels. HOLY SHIT if I did not want to know what the beer tasted like I would have stayed home!!

I am in know way against quaffing large quantities of beer. But I can to that in an air conditioned pub and pay a hell of allot less than 6.40 a pint!!!

Brainless Assholes!!!

Sorry I have not posted lately ....... I've been standing in line for flat beer.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Lost My Pants

Found out today that someone thinks I'm funnier than the "Casual Friday" guy but wishes to remain anonymous.

If you drink enough scotch ..... you can watch the same show every night and it's new to you! ( Wanna buy a TiVo?... I'll trade for scotch)

I left a post on a blog stating I lost my pants. ....What bothers me is I typed it. Posted it, without a moments hesitation.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Interesting Things From Vacation

Discovered that there is at least one women in the world that might actually kill another person she thought might be cutting in line for "Peter Pan"

Discovered that if you go to Disneyland on it's 50th birthday when they give out 80,000 pairs of shiny gold mouse ears and squint your eyes a little it looks like a planet of C-3PO's rioting in the streets.

Thought about drop kicking a kid into the "Rivers of America".

Changed my mind and wanted to drop kick the FU*@ing parents instead.

Decided to blatantly rip off the "Casual Friday" format.

Felt guilty about it.

Got Over It.

Paid $6.00 for A beer.

Figuring that when I drink one beer I piss out a six pack ...... The restaurant owes me 30 bucks.

Got uncomfortable on the plane ride home because there were quite a few people still wearing gold ears...... and no one seemed to notice.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Juan, You Magnificent Bastard!!!

Hello again from Wally World.
SO .... we are in line for Star Tours last night. It's a Very long line ( I know knock me over with a feather)! Anyway this jackass and his family behind us are pushing and shoving through the crowd like the rest of us are orange cones on a damn test track.
His family is having a hard time keeping up with his relentless assault and keep yelling his name Juan! ...... Juan! finally we get to the loading area .... Juan is jumping and dancing at the door like he's got pissed off fire ants in his pants. The doors open to the simulator. The people leaving the ride ahead of us are still shuffling out ...... Juan forges full speed ahead! He's pushing and shoving the people in front of him .......... and follows them right out of the ride!!!! The doors close and Juan's stunned family sits down for the ride. I ... laughing so hard I may have soiled myself, I Had a ball on the the ride, thinking about Juan pushing and shoving down the exit ramp and finding himself in the Star Wars gift shop with a glorious WTF? look on his face. HA!!!
Juan, you magnificent bastard! You made my night!!!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Mint Juleps ROCK

I am now at the fun park...... well the hotel now. Did a few rides today and now hanging out in a room with a view of the California Adventure Park. I really like Disneyland but what the F%^k where they thinking with California Adventure? My biting satire is on hold for now due to my trip to Downtown Disney and the Ralph Brennens Restaurant ( as in the New Orleans Ralph) OK.... a Mint Julep sounds like a silly umbrella drink but the sum bitch is made with 3 oz of beam and a healthy brandy float. I had two of those and now I'm whistling zippy do dah out my asshole. Tomorrow is another story but right now .....I can not (swear to god) come up with more than fifty people I want to see against the wall with the revolution comes AMAZING!!!
Oh and thanks to the Boys at Sweet Rigs! And you Social*Butterfly ........ I like more and more.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

10 Hours From The Fu@#!&* Fun Park!

Tomorrow morning I'm flying to Wallyworld (AKA Disneyland) with some friends. I'M SURE NOTHING will annoy me at the Happiest Place On Earth!!! :)
Well I might get a few good posts out of it anyway.

Friday, July 08, 2005

NASA Lands On A Comet! ... So.........

OK. We have been able to do the amazing ( I shit you not ) task of crashing a probe on a comet racing through the cosmos ......... so my question is ........ Wheres Osama Bin Laden?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Button Pushing Freaks

I was heading back to work today and I see this guy rapidly pushing the button for the crosswalk signal. What the hell is that all about? Do people really think that its not the computer programs, designed, by engineers to keep the intersections of the city from looking like Jones-town the day after a kool-aid party, But, rather, the idiot with the slurpee at the corner pushing the button that controls the whole damn shitaree?!!!?
It's like he can push the damn thing FAST ENOUGH!!!

Maybe he's actully trying to send morse code?
What do they make those buttons out of? Airplane "black box" material?

Ya just KNOW this same guy will keep pushing a elevator button when the damn thing didn't show up the second he pushed it the first time. I'm sure he figures that if he pushes it enough the car will suddenly plunge 30 floors to get to him, and if the eight people riding inside are mangled to death from the drop? Well so be it, he's gotta get back to the office with that damn slurpee.

Blog gibberish or wayward kleenex?

I've been doing some surfing through blogsphere using the "Next Blog" button and discovered the following.

1. Some people are clearly not aware that the "private journal" they think their keeping is being published.

2. Unless there is a language with no vowels, some people are posting entire blogs while cleaning the keyboard.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Baskets from Hell

I went to a native American museum this weekend with my wife. The place was huge and it contained one small display of beads & pottery, and 19 rooms full of fricken baskets.

Baskets they used to haul fish.
Baskets they used to haul wood.
Baskets they used to haul pottery and beads.
Baskets they used to haul basket making supplies.

Holy Crap! The curator of this place has got a unhealthy and unnatural attraction to baskets.......basket lovin FREAK!

What's worse is after seeing 17 of the 19 shrines to baskets my wife tells me to "SHUT UP ABOUT THE BASKETS ALREADY!!" and drags me along to see every last one. I can only assume that the natives of this country had more to do with there lives than weave crap all day but you can't tell it from that place.
BITE ME!! I need a basket of beer!!!!!

Monday, July 04, 2005

Applebees Finger Fiasco?

I read in the paper today that Applebee's has apologized for a fingertip a customer found in their salad a year ago.
If they want to apologize for something they should do so for those "riblets" they sell.... what the hell are those? Possum?

Snotty Little Shit

I stopped at P.F. Changes tonight while walking in downtown Portland. I asked how long a wait would be for two and the paper thin air head hostess behind the desk said " Let's see two without reservations ......." What the hell? Why would I ask how long if I had reservations??? Snotty little shit. Bite Me.