Sunday, August 21, 2005

Ahh ...... Mating Season at NASA.

In a new attempt to make a shuttle that will repel a styrofoam attack. NASA has been trying to mate the aging shuttles with more reliable aircraft. .....
For some reason they also tried to mate it with that poor Panda at the San Diego Zoo too. .... but let's not not talk about that.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

O.K. I'm not the sharpest utensil in the drawer ... but wouldn't a piece of canvas be more effective?

Friday, August 19, 2005

Nice Blog ...... Keep it up ...... Oh and here is a link to where I sell my Combination Turnip Twaddler & Pocket Diaper Steamer!

GET BENT you spam posting FUCKS.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

So ... THIS gal walks into a bar ....

and the bartender say "WOW how did that happen??!!" The octopus replies, "Well ..... it started out as a pimple on my BUTT.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Yes .. umm .. I'd like to inquire about a refund??

Thursday, August 11, 2005

So ...... I’m guessing it his wife’s birthday too!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Things from an insomniacs mind

  • I heard someone at work mention that there is a new book about Helen Keller coming out ... and I thought .... Wow! She was gay too!?!

  • People all upset about saving the whales, not buying perfume with blubber as an ingredient .... Eating Vegetarian, rather than a meal made from a large animal with big brown trusting eyes named Bessie etc. But NO ONE is concerned about BABY OIL!!!!

  • Men always get the last words ...... It’s just that those words are “Yes Dear”.

  • A women I know tells everyone at work that it’s “Not her job to tattle on everyone” .... I thought about that one, and she’s right. It’s more of a hobby for her.

  • I stood to the right of my wife during our wedding ceremony. It was the last time I was ever right.

Monday, August 08, 2005

What's That, my little bran muffin????

Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse -- women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's, a report said.
The Daily Mail, quoting findings published in the specialist magazine
NeuroImage, said researchers at Sheffield university in northern England discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and female sounds.
Men deciphered female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engaged a simpler mechanism, it said.

So you see sweetheart this proves it. Your voice is like music to me. I nod my head .... tap my feet ... but that does not mean I heard you! You KNOW how bad I am with lyrics!!

Hmm, I wonder if us guys are just supposed to send the check to Sheffield university or what???

Sunday, August 07, 2005

SUV's & Needle Heads...

Every day I have to turn left a a street that has railroad tracks that cross at it's threshold. Everyday there is someone in front of me in a monster SUV that has to come to a near stop to cross over these tracks ..... bump bump .......bump bump..... Same thing a block later when they pull into a store drive way ..... OOOOHHHH better slow down, that's a 3/4" lip on that driveway!!!
What did you buy that gargantuan urban assault vehicle for if you can't even take a small God Damn bump!!
There ought to be a bounty!!!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Sucks To Be Fred.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Robert Blake and O.J. to hit the Links?

Ok I read today that Robert Blake’s first wife, Sondra Kerr Blake said under oath that Blake had put out a contract on her life as well!!! She said she found out from several different people about this!!

So first he is found not guilty ..... using the story ... well yeah somehow she was shot while I ran back to the restaurant to go get my ..... well ....
GUN!. Oh and all those people that said I was trying to hire a killer were, well mistaken ... yeah thats the ticket!
I guess now he can hit the golf courses with O.J. to look for the REAL killer.
Bite Me!!
If I ever decide to go on a crime spree I’ll do it in California where I can’t get convicted. At least in NY Martha has to wear a bracelet to go to yoga class!
By the way Ladies of California ....... try to keep low.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

My Mother always said if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. In her honor here is today’s Post ...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Loofah Butt Cream and 5 Reasons My Wife Makes Me Sign A Behavior Contract Before Shopping

  • Went to the mall and as usual a group of morons stopped right at the top of the escalator to decide where they were going to go next. SO.... I spout ........ Hey GREAT IDEA!!!! BRILLIANT!!! If I was going to pick one place in the whole damn mall to stop and chat it would be right HERE! at the top of a FUCKING MOVING STAIRCASE!!!!

  • Soon after that I'll yowl MAKE A HOLE!!! at large dumb groups meandering around the mall blocking the aisle

  • After being told by a OH SO politicly correct security guard not to "LEAN on the ice rink wall" I thanked him for saving the world from another tragic ice rink wall leaning incident and then asked him to go copulate with one of his own orifices.

    While she's shopping for clothes a clerk will ask If they can help me and I always respond " You got a bar in here"??
    (When they say no I ask for chloroform)

  • At Bath & Body Works I always loudly ask if they have any "Apricot Loofah Butt Cream".

Monday, August 01, 2005

My Highlight today is my Get Fuzzy Calender!?!

How pathetic is that. The best thing I can come up with to look forward to today is flipping the " Get Fuzzy " calendar over to August. I'm a sad little man.


Call in sick with one of the following excuses.

* My festering herpes have come back in an unusual and unfortunate spot.

* I FOUND JESUS ........ and he needs a ride somewhere.

* Projectile Diarrhea

* Ear ache in my eye!

* The little voices in my head said I don't have enough ammo to go to work yet.

* I dreamt I ate a whole crate of marshmallows last night and this morning my "sock drawer" is empty